As humankind attempts to lead a normal life through these tough times you may find yourself questioning, criticizing, judging, observing from a distance, watching in disbelief as horrible acts and circumstances take place all around you. I know I have. When there is inner conflict many times this inner conflict can transform itself into something outside of us. It manifests into the ugly, the bad, the part that we normally don’t want anyone to see. The shadow side that lives within us all.
I personally have felt these inner, conflicting emotions, thoughts and feelings. They manifested into my outer world physically. When will it all stop? How is it going to end? Is this the beginning of the end?
What I was going through physically
About a month ago I slipped and fell. I landed on my right knee in a kneeling position tumbling all the way down to the floor. Fortunately, I didn’t break any bones. However, I was hurting and I ended up in urgent care. My back was spasming so badly it caused the muscles around my intestines, stomach, and esophagus to also spasm, all of that mixed together was mimicking symptoms of a heart attack. Wow! I had back pain on and off throughout the week. I had been in pain for two weeks with limited mobility because my back muscles were so tight everything hurt. I ended up needing additional medication to help with the swelling and pain. For three weeks I was in pain, tired, worn down, June came and went so fast. I began to feel better until eventually the swelling in my shoulder and back subsided and I was able to move again. Thankfully I have fully recovered now.
If you’ve made it this far in the reading you may be wondering what all of this has to do with inner vs. outer conflict, right?
Well, let me tell you. The point to all of this is when there is unresolved inner conflict, ideas, thoughts, feelings or deep-seated emotions, these may turn into something that can physically manifest itself in our bodies in some way or another. I turned to one of my favorite books written by Deb Shapiro, Your Body Speaks Your Mind: Decoding the Emotional, Psychological, and Spiritual Messages That Underline Illness. This book is about learning how to interpret the way our body communicates and speaks to us. Through it you can discover how unresolved inner emotional issues can present outwardly and can contribute to our healing or lack of.
I began playing with the idea of, “What if I apply the tools that I normally use with my clients on myself?” After all, I use holistic practices and other therapeutic tools to guide those who seek my assistance. Why not try them on myself? What if I looked at what I was going through, through my own spiritual healing lense?
Sometimes it takes something outside of us to happen that encourages us to reflect upon our situation.
What I was feeling
I was having feelings of discouragement. I was upset that I couldn’t be in my wellness office seeing clients as I had been pre-pandemic. I was confused as to why these things were happening now, when I was two years into my practice, practically barely starting to see an increase in clientele. Why? Why? Why? I recently graduated from Southwest Institute of Healing Arts as an Integrative Healing Arts Practitioner; I could now focus fully on the business side of my entrepreneurship journey. This was supposed to be the year that my wellness center was going to turn into a place of Zen where clients could come in and out, receiving services that would help them rediscover and transform their lives again. Then COVID happened. The wellness center closed for four full months. Taking recommended safety precautions, the wellness center has reopened.
Inner vs. Outer Conflict
How was this inner conflict affecting me exteriorly
Looking back, I found myself lost in my thoughts. I felt like throwing the towel and giving up. Was any of this worth it? I even considered going back to my previous line of work. I applied healing tools on myself. I found myself uncovering and bringing to the light certain feelings of self-doubt, anguish, feeling financially unsupportive and unsupported. Among some of the healing tools that I use in my practice is Toe Reading. In toe reading the right foot of a person has to do with the exterior, how we present ourselves to the world. The left foot is all about our interior self and how we are within. Everything that could go wrong inside of me was manifesting exteriorly. My conflicting inner thoughts and emotions were manifesting outwardly beginning with my fall. I physically fell, I am a person who walks steadily, with ease. Something outside of me, out of my control, happened that caused my fall. By physically falling a part of me inside fell too. The tension in and around my shoulders was a heavy weight that I was carrying, causing pain and exhaustion. The pressure in my chest was the same pressure I was feeling for “not being able to provide”. The stiffness and limited range of motion in my muscles was restricting. What was happening around me which made me feel so restricted? And, of course, we all know the answer to this one. This is how we have ALL felt at some point or another to some extent during this pandemic.
How do your inner conflicts present themselves outwardly? What steps are you taking in decoding your conflict resolution? In taking a few steps backwards we can take a look at the whole scenery which may show us a different story. Sometimes we need to take a step back to look at the entire picture to gain some clarity. And sometimes, we need to take a dive inward to gain more clarity in our own life.